


you need a team (they'll save you from yourself)

by skyperson12345



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: (that's an understatement), Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Buck and Maddie's father is a big meanie, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecurity, M/M, Mild Language, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Josh Russo, firefam - Freeform, slight sexuality crisis, spoilers for 3x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23568580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyperson12345/pseuds/skyperson12345
Summary: Canon divergence from that adorable scene in 3x12 where Maddie and Chim try to get Buck and Josh back into the dating pool. Maddie not-so-accidentally accidentally exposes something about Buck that he hasn't told the firefam yet. Buck reveals more than he intended, and Josh decides to save the situation."'Okay, so I didn’t tell anyone about my -- my sexuality!' Buck shouts, his throat tight. 'Why does it matter so much?''It matters because I thought you got over this years ago!' she cries. 'It matters because you’re an adult now and you shouldn’t still be scared of what Dad’ll think!'"
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Male Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)/Reader, Maddie Buckley & Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 27
Kudos: 385





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! It's been a few days since I last posted a fic, but honestly, this will probably my schedule from now on. As it gets later into the year, I'm not going to be able to write fics as quickly as I have been doing. Don't worry, I'll still post them whenever I can :)
> 
> The inspiration for this fic hit me as soon as I watched that episode lol. The scene was much too fluffy, so naturally, I had to add in some angst (you'll notice that I find it difficult to write pure fluff). It's a little bit darker than the other two I posted, with mentions of child abuse, suicidal thoughts, and a little bit of violence. Everything is listed in the tags, so please be careful if you are sensitive to anything in there. There's fluff, I promise!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own 9-1-1 (TV) and I don't make money from this.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!! Leave plenty of reviews and constructive criticism in the comments :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! It's been a few days since I last posted a fic, but honestly, this will probably my schedule from now on. As it gets later into the year, I'm not going to be able to write fics as quickly as I have been doing. Don't worry, I'll still post them whenever I can :)
> 
> The inspiration for this fic hit me as soon as I watched that episode lol. The scene was much too fluffy, so naturally, I had to add in some angst (you'll notice that I find it difficult to write pure fluff). It's a little bit darker than the other two I posted, with mentions of child abuse, suicidal thoughts, and a little bit of violence. Everything is listed in the tags, so please be careful if you are sensitive to anything in there. There's fluff, I promise!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own 9-1-1 (TV) and I don't make money from this.

“Yes!” Maddie cheers gleefully as she slams down her poker cards.

“He falls for it every time,” Chim says, giving her a high-five.

“How does this keep on happening?” Buck groans, but his voice is filled with amusement. He can’t remember the last time he felt this happy and carefree.

“Because you suck at poker,” says Josh, shaking his head. 

“Spoken by someone who _also_ sucks at poker,” he rushes to add, seeing the incredulous disbelief on Buck’s face. “No judgment, but maybe you should quit while you’re behind.”

Everyone laughs and Buck rolls his eyes, grinning. It feels nice to see other people so happy.

“Okay, who needs more wine?” Maddie asks, still chuckling.

“I’m gonna need something stronger,” Buck calls as she walks over to the kitchen.

“Thanks again for having me,” Josh gushes. “This was fun!”

“For some of us,” Buck grumbles light-heartedly.

“Well,” Chimney begins collecting the poker cards to shuffle them, “All of our coupled friends were busy, so we figured we would target the solos.”

“If I didn’t know better,” Josh says, raising an eyebrow. “I’d say you were setting us up.”

“Oh, no,” Maddie demurs, “I like you way too much to set you up with my brother.”

“Uh, hey now,” Buck butts in, feigning offense.

“And,” Maddie continues, “I love _you_ too much to let you keep being so incredibly, tragically --”

“Some might say _embarrassingly_ ,” Chimney adds.

“…single,” Maddie finishes.

The topic throws him off, but Buck hides it well, deflecting and accepting the banter for a few minutes. The truth is, his break-up with Ali hit him a lot harder than he lets show. It feels like he wasn’t good enough for her -- like he wasn’t worth the concern or the worry. 

“So,” Chim says, pulling Buck out of his thoughts. “How are we gonna find you a woman?”

“Or a man,” Maddie interjects nonchalantly, taking a sip of her wine.

Something akin to terror and shock jolts through Buck at his sister’s words. “ _Maddie_!” he hisses sharply.

“What?” she replies, confused. “It’s not like it’s a secret or anything.”

“Hold on, wait -- so, you’re… bi?” Chim questions.

“Uh --”

“ _You never told them_?” Maddie asks.

“They never asked!” exclaims Buck. His cheeks are burning as he avoids everyone’s gaze.

“They’re your team, Buck!” Maddie stares at him disbelievingly. “They shouldn’t _have_ to ask!”

“Okay, so I didn’t tell anyone about my -- my sexuality!” Buck shouts, his throat tight. “Why does it matter so much?”

“It matters because I thought you got over this years ago!” she cries. “It matters because you’re an adult now and you shouldn’t still be scared of what Dad’ll think!”

“Easy for you to say!” Buck’s voice hitches in his throat. “You’re not the one that he used to beat half to death every other day! You’re not the one he spewed homophobic shit to for years! You’re not the one who had to lock themselves in a closet with a dislocated shoulder and a broken jaw for an entire day, too scared to get food or even go to the bathroom! You didn’t have to agonize over your college application, wondering whom to list as your guardians because God knows that your best friend’s parents did a much better job caring for you than the very people who brought you into this world! As a thirteen-year-old, you didn’t make a _goddamn list of pros and cons_ to help you decide if you should _kill yours_ \--”

Buck lets out a soft sob, cutting himself off. Maddie is staring at him with a devastated expression, tears glistening in her eyes. Chimney and Josh are sitting frozen at the table, both of their faces screaming that they witnessed something they shouldn’t have seen. 

“Buck…” Maddie whispers. She trails off, unsure of what to say.

Blood rushes in his ears, stealing his breath and muffling his thoughts. Buck shakes his head, suddenly unable to breathe properly. Spinning on his heel, he runs out of the room and through the door, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaking down his face.

\--

Buck wakes up the next morning feeling awful. 

His eyes hurt from crying and his legs ache from running all the way home. Buck barely remembers getting back. It all seems like a painful blur. For a moment, he considers calling in sick. He can’t bear the thought of ever looking Chim in the eye again. Scratch that -- he can’t bear the thought of ever looking _anyone_ on the 118 in the eye again. 

Logically, Buck knows that they probably won’t care about his being bi; Hen is out and proud, after all. But what will they think of him when they learn how utterly _weak_ he is? Surely someone who feels stark terror at the sound of their own father’s voice isn’t fit to be a firefighter. A true firefighter would’ve been able to fight back; a true firefighter wouldn’t let this affect them anymore. 

He _can’t_ lose this job, he just _can’t_. Going out on calls and saving people is everything to him. If Bobby decides that Buck isn’t fit to work for the LAFD, he doesn’t know what he’ll do.

 _Stop feeling sorry for yourself._ Buck slowly drags himself out of bed with a groan. _If you don’t show up to work, it’ll make you seem even_ more _pathetic._

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, he pockets his phone and reaches for his car keys, only to realize that, in his rush to escape last night, he left his car over at Chimney’s house. 

“Dammit!” Buck slams his fist into the countertop in frustration, barely registering the pain that shoots up his wrist. He can’t ask Eddie or Hen to pick him up because they’re both probably busy with their respective kids, Bobby’s already at the station, and God knows that there is no way in _hell_ he’s asking Chim for a ride. 

Just as Buck pulls out his phone to order an Uber, someone knocks on his door.

“Coming!” he calls, jogging over to the foyer and opening his front door. “…Josh?” 

“Yeah, hi!” Josh says, smiling awkwardly. “You -- uh, you left your car at Chimney’s place last night, so I figured that you’d probably need a ride to work. Maddie, um, gave me your address and stuff. I hope it’s not an invasion of privacy or anything --”

“No, no,” Buck assures him. “I was just about to, er, call an Uber, so…”

The two stand across from each other for a moment before Buck quickly clears his throat, heat rising to his cheeks. “Well, um, if you’re ready to go…”

“Oh, yeah, of course!” Josh nods hurriedly and backs away, letting Buck exit his apartment and lock the door.

They walk to Josh’s car in a tense silence, barely looking at each other as they climb in.

“Um, thanks for doing this,” Buck says after a few minutes. 

Instead of answering, Josh sighs. “Ok, I’m just gonna say this right now, because if I don’t, we’re both going to spend this entire car ride praying for a meteor to land on us.”

“Josh --”

“No, just -- hear me out, for like, five minutes.”

Buck nods carefully, his heart pounding.

“I know that you didn’t intend for me and Chimney to hear what you said to Maddie. To be honest, I don’t think you meant for Maddie to hear, either. But that’s not the point. The point is, you’ve been internalizing this for a while now, and I don’t have to be a psychiatrist to know how terrible it must have been. I’m not gonna force you to tell me how you feel or whatever, but I want you to hear me out. I… I can’t imagine how -- how inexplicably horrible your childhood was. And I know that the last thing you want right now is pity, but I do want you to know that, for what it’s worth, I _am_ sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t really help you in that area because, like I said, I can’t imagine what it was like. But I _can_ help you with your other crisis.”

“…You’re talking about my… sexuality,” Buck mumbles.

“Yes, your being bi, I mean.”

Buck flinches a bit and Josh notices, letting out another sigh. “Look, I got a lot of hate when I came out. My parents didn’t react nearly as badly as yours did, but they haven’t visited or spoken to me since I told them. People avoided me in person and harassed me on social media. It was… it was pretty tough, to say the least. But you know what kept me going?”

Buck shakes his head.

“My friends.” Josh smiles wistfully, tapping his finger against the steering wheel. “They took me out to have fun, backed me up throughout any negative confrontations, and supported me all the way. If it weren’t for them, I… honestly, I’d probably be where you are now. You know -- scared, distraught, and ashamed. N-Not that I blame you for any of it! I just mean… well, what I’m trying to say is -- you need your team. I might not know each one very well, but I’ve worked with them all before. They’re good people, Buck. Their behaviour towards you is not going to change because of this -- well, not negatively, at least. I know a certain someone who’ll be very happy to find out.”

“Wait, what?” Eddie’s face flashes through his head and Buck blushes furiously.

Josh grins at him, pulling up to the fire station. “Go on, Buck. Everything will be alright, I promise you.”

Buck exhales slowly and looks up at him. “Will they think I’m weak? Because of my f-father?”

“That’s not something I can tell you, Buck,” Josh says quietly. “But I can tell you that those people inside that station love you. You’re a part of their family, and they’re a part of yours. So I can safely say that if you go in there now and ask them to listen to you, they will listen. And when you finish talking, they’re going to tell you exactly what they think, for better or for worse. But if you don’t say anything and you try to hide this for as long as possible -- the keyword being try, because you and I both know that Chimney is mind-blowingly loose-lipped when pried with alcohol -- it’s just going to make things worse.”

“Buck!”

He and Josh look over to see Eddie waving at them from inside the firehouse, smiling brightly. “You coming?”

“Yeah, just a sec!” Buck yells back. He turns to thank Josh, but the man waves him off.

“Don’t bother.” 

“If there’s any way I can make it up to you --”

“You wanna make it up to me?” Josh rolls his eyes. “Get your ass out of my car and don’t forget what I said.”

Laughing, Buck climbs out and practically sprints into the firehouse, his heart pounding nervously and his gut burning with anticipation.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Josh might be the most underrated character in 9-1-1. Seriously, he's the best friend we all need. #findyourselfaJosh
> 
> For anyone wondering (and didn't read the tags), I am not shipping Josh with Buck. There wasn't much Buddie in this chapter, but I promise that I'm adding plenty in the next! As I've said before, if you are in an abusive situation/relationship, there are people you can talk to who will help you no matter what. In reference of that cop who spoke to Maddie in 2x13, don't be afraid to run. Be afraid to stay. Also, if you have anxiety or self-image issues, you should talk to a friend or a therapist. Being stuck in your own head can sometimes be the most dangerous thing for someone in that position.
> 
> I will be posting the next chapter sometime next week, so stay tuned!
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	2. Notice (Not a Chapter)

Hi all,

Let me just start off by saying that I won't be continuing this fic. I'm sorry to anyone who waited for the second installment, but I just couldn't make it work. Life's been a little crazy. Long story short, someone close to me got really sick but we're being hopeful for now. I've been distracted and, honestly, I like the way that this fic ended. I tend to leave things open-ended because I believe that a story is never finished; it just... 'stops moving,' to quote Sayori from Doki Doki Literature Club. 

I will probably continue to write fics, but I've kind of moved on from the 9-1-1 fandom. I've got a whole range of fandoms that I'm getting into. I'll leave a list down below of fandoms that I might write for. If you'd like to suggest one in the comments, that would be much appreciated.

Again, I'm super sorry for saying that there would be another chapter and then falling through. If you have any questions about how the fic would have 'ended,' you're welcome to ask them in the comments.

See you later darlings!

Fandoms:

Shadowhunters

Teen Wolf

Harry Potter

Grey's Anatomy

Percy Jackson


	3. Unfinished Second Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so I wasn't originally planning on posting this because (obviously) it's unfinished, and it's really hard for me to finish a fic or chapter once I've lost interest or inspiration in it. But a lot of my friends told me to post it and I noticed that a some people were really looking forward to the last chapter, so here it is, I guess. This is also for Obobwinner who I granted permission to finish this fic. I know that it ends in the middle of a sentence (that's when I just gave up on it lol), but I hope it gives some of you closure ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The others are all already helping Bobby cook breakfast -- or attempting to, at least -- so Buck heads over to the empty locker room to change. 

As he shucks off his T-shirt and jeans in exchange for his LAFD uniform, Buck contemplates what he should say. He knows his team deserves nothing less than the full truth, but despite what Josh said, he’s still apprehensive. The 118 is his only family other than Maddie. Buck has no idea what he’ll do if they push him away. He doesn’t want to leave, and he certainly doesn’t want another lawsuit situation.

He shuts his locker, turning to look at himself in the mirror. Josh’s words drift through his mind.  _ You’re a part of their family, and they’re a part of yours. _

“Buck?”

Eddie is standing in the doorway with flour in his tousled hair, a streak of butter on his cheek, and what looks to be the remnants of an egg staining his shirt. A surprised laugh bursts from Buck’s mouth at how utterly ridiculous he looks. 

“Is that a kitchen up there or a warzone?” Buck teases.

Eddie grins and quirks an eyebrow. “Why can’t it be both?”

Buck chuckles for a moment before the smile falls from his face. Would it still be this easy to joke around with Eddie once he tells everyone about his father? What if they think he’s too weak or too fragile? What if they think he’s not fit to be one of them anymore? What if --

“Hey, man, what’s wrong?” Eddie peers at him worriedly. “You’ve been acting weird today.”

It would be so easy --  _ so incredibly easy _ \-- to just spill all of his thoughts and feelings right now. Buck wants to; he wants to bare his heart and soul to Eddie, he wants to fall into his arms and have someone,  _ anyone _ , tell him that it will be okay and that they still love him. But the relentless terror of being cast away lingers in his mind, constantly whispering in his ear. “Nah, I -- I’m fine. It’s just, uh…”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Buck lets out a soft sob as he feels the last shred of his resolve dissolve. His vision blurs as tears well up in his eyes.

“Woah, hey, c’mere Buck.” Eddie pulls him into a tight hug, gently stroking his hand over Buck’s hair. “Shhh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Buck sniffs into his shoulder, trying not to let the tears fall. “S--sorry…”

“No, no, listen to me, Buck.” Eddie pulls back, gripping his shoulders and looking him in the eye. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here.”

Every word feels like an electric shock. Buck smiles weakly and clears his throat. “I, um, I think this is something the -- the whole team should hear.”

Eddie just nods, waiting.

“Will -- I mean, could… can you, um --”

“I’ll be right beside you. No matter what.” 

Buck’s heart lurches, a sudden wave of affection and gratitude washing through him from head to toe.

“Okay.”

\--

Buck walks up to the kitchen with Eddie in tow. His swarming thoughts have quieted to a low hum -- still there, but not all-encompassing. Buck’s given up on trying to formulate any semblance of a speech. Nothing seems to come out right, and it’s much more his style to just say whatever comes to mind first, anyways. 

As they ascend the stairs toward the sounds of laughter and sizzling food, Buck takes a deep breath and braces himself. 

“Hi, guys.” Buck swallows nervously. He glances over at Eddie, who gives him an encouraging smile.

“Hey, look who finally decided to sho--” Hen cuts herself off, seeing the strained expression on Buck’s face. “Uh, Buck? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says on instinct, automatically donning his trademark grin.

“ _ Buck _ ,” Eddie murmurs quietly, casting a reprimanding look in his direction.

“Er--” Buck steals a glance at Chimney, who is suddenly staring at the counter like it’s the most enrapturing thing in the universe. “N-Not really, actually.”

Buck flushes as Bobby straightens and stares at him, feeling small and uncomfortable. After a moment, the man sets down his spatula and turns down the flames on the stove,

  
  
  



End file.
